Musical Interlude featuring Lynyrd Skynyrd

This song is dedicated to people in church leadership who just cannot seem to tell the truth about much of anything...

You Might Be A Calvinist if...

Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire: You Might Be A Calvinist

Looking for a Theological Term?

You might want to try these online resources:

Calvinist Dictonary

Arminian Dictonary

The Secret Nine Exposed!!

At great personal risk, one of our operatives has come into possession of the following document, apparently written with a quill dipped in blood (eeee-ooooooo, gross.)

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Minutes of the regular meeting of the Secret Nine

Roll Call: Mossad Agent Menachem, Jesuit Representative Gustav, KKK Local Chair Hank T., Illuminati Jim, Trilateral Commissioner Starks, The Oprah, Sheik Abdul, Ryan Seacrest, and FBC Deacon Hope.

Chairman Illuminati Jim called the meeting to order at 7:30. Meeting held in the secret back chamber of IHOP, in an undisclosed town in Georgia.

Opening prayer to Ja-Bul-Lan led by Deacon Hope. Refreshments brought by Gustav, which nobody would eat…again.

Old Business:

Hank T. reported that the Information Committee is continuing its Truth Campaign against two local ministers. Latest rumors include the accusation that pictures of naked men are posted at their website.

TLC Starks reported that the Free Speech Committee has been unsuccessful in shutting down The Reformed Mafia blog.

Not only that, but the RM has added three new members since Operation Sovereign Grace began at the local First Baptist Church. The latest one, we have no information about. He’s just called The Mole. After much discussion about the Mole’s identity, Deacon Hope assured the Nine that this cannot possibly be a member of the FBC in question.

Abdul noted that the minor rebellion at a particular FBC church in town has been effectively crushed. Everyone else seems to be falling in line as expected.

New Business

Erratic behavior has been noted at the accursed Incrediblog. The motif was recently changed, from some dopey super-hero thing, to Star Trek, and now it has apparently changed again. No action was taken, as the consensus is that the author of that blog is insane and harmless.

Also, a recent Reformed Mafia post managed to bring in traffic from several other authors of offensive and dangerous websites. The Oprah will use her considerable resources to track all of these down and ensure their silence.

Ryan unveiled plans to cause a new tsunami off the coast of the Philipines this coming July. Unanimously approved.

Meeting adjourned. Next meeting will be at Hank’s house, where we will BBQ.

Warning: Offensive Blogs

We are very sad that some have been "offended" by the theme here at the Reformed Mafia. Even though we've tried to explain that the theme is just tounge-in-cheek, some people still insist that this is an offensive theme that glorifies criminal activities and promotes violence.

As a public service, Gordan and I have put our heads together and want to warn our offended guests of some other blogs that they may not want to visit if they are offended by this one. We hope you will heed our warnings and do not venture onto these blogs:

1. The Pyromaniacs: Here's an offensive blog for you. These guys are glorifying the sin of arson!



2. Reformed Renegade: Here's a guy who's theme is being a renegade. Being a renegade is certainly un-Christian.
   
   
3. Conservative Reformed Mafia: Another Mafia blog, oh my! Look at that dark and sinister layout! Their canine mascott looks evil too...



4. Strange Baptist Fire: I don't know how any Christian could make a blog that glorifies "strange fire." Remember Nadab and Abihu? Anyone?



5. Triablogue: The name's not offensive, but look at the artwork that glorifies warfare right there in the title!



6. Fide-O: Pronounced like the dog's name. What is it with Calvinists and dogs, anyway? (See 3 above.) The theme of this blog is that they see themselves as guard dogs. How can that honor Christ?



7. 2 Worlds Collide: Again, violent artwork (on a cosmic scale) right in the title. This guy apparently gets some joy out of hoping our planet will run into another one. Probably watches too much unsanctified science fiction. (As opposed to the sanctified kind: Left Behind.)



8. Comfort Food: Either glorifies the sin of gluttony, or makes fun of people with an emotional disorder that causes them to turn to food for stress-relief. Either way, not good.



9. Hip and Thigh: This guy just comes right out and says he's "slaughtering" his theological opponents!! He perverts a Bible verse to do it, too!!!!!!!!!



10. The Red and Black Redneck: This Calvinistic Baptist from Georgia makes several damning admissions right on the front page, aside from using a culturally insensitive name in the first place: he watches football, apparently roots for the Bulldogs, is a lawyer, and (gasp) enjoys bourbon! Just call the cops right now.



11. Tom in the Box: Well, you'll just have to read this one. It's too messed up to even describe. By the title, we think it has something to do with the kidnapping of some guy named Tom. They've probably got him locked in a trunk. We're calling the FBI on this one!



12. TheoJunkie: Clever turn of phrase: makes God out to be some kind of narcotic.



13. D-Dizzle Fo Shizzle: Not sure if she's a Calvinist, but judging by the title, the gal who runs this blog must listen to lots of Snoop Dog. Don't let your teens read this blog unless you want them talking in Snoop Speak!



14. Mashed Potatoes on the Anvil: The subtitle of this blog is "taking a hammer to weak arguments." Again, what is it with these Calvinists and their violent blog themes? This guy even seems to promote violence against mashed potatoes! Ahhhh!



15. Chadwick Ivester: Home of the satirical SBCEnquirer©. We all know satire cannot serve the cause of Christ.

Well, we hope that this will keep some of you from getting offended anymore than you already have. I've added a new rule to our Mafia Code of Conduct. Please click here and check out line #10.

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Gordan's Late Edit: I've decided to go ahead and add a #16, since it's such a good, round number of repeated biblical significance....[crickets chirping uneasily]

16. The Beretta Blog: A great deal about this blog offends the pious Christian conscience. Hat tip to Glenn, who was offended at our lack of offense. The tag line, "Say hello to my little friend" is a clear cultural reference to one of the most senselessly violent movies ever made, for one. For another thing, that movie glorified organized crime, which no Christian would ever make use of in a blog theme. Third, "Beretta" is either a reference to a type of handgun (which is offensive all by itself) or, worse, could be a cryptic reference to the horrid TV cop series from the 70's. But having seen no image of Robert Blake at the blog, I'll think the best of this brother and imagine he's talking about the gun, which is downright wicked, of course. Lastly, the blog is obviously delving into some sort of witchcraft that causes the text to move independantly of the background; and, I am offended by how dizzy that made me.

Have nice day!

(Special thanks to Gordan for his huge contribution to this project!)

Announcing the "Romans 9:18 Conference"

Rhett Kelley Ministries Presents:

The Romans 9:18 Conference

Nov 6 and 7, 2008 at location T.B.A.

Did Jesus die on the cross for every person? Was I elected because I selected? Is God really sovereign? Did Calvin really murder Servetus? These and many other questions will be addressed.

This conference is not going to be a "Let's bash the Arminians" conference. This conference is going to be a biblical and theological assessment of and response to the inconsistencies of the "majoritarian" view of soteriology in the SBC and other Baptist movements. It will be helpful for lay people as well as preachers.

• $95 for conference only.
• $110 for the conference with two meals (dinner Nov. 6; breakfast Nov. 7)

Featuring: (exact schedule to be posted later)

Romans 9:18 -Rhett B. Kelley

Total Depravity - Dr. Tom Ascol

Unconditional Election - Dr. John Piper.

Limited Atonement - Dr. James R. White

Irresistible Grace - Dr. Thomas Nettles

Perseverance of the Saints - Dr. Wayne Grudem

Romans 9:18 and God's Purpose in Grace - Dr. Albert Mohler

- There will be a 60-minute Q & A session following the last speaker -

* There will be no live or archived audio or video of this conference via the Internet.
** If you are interested in being a vendor at this conference, please contact us via email. Space is limited so this will be on a first-come, first-served basis.

This conference is sponsored by: Rhett Kelley Ministries, The Reformed Mafia, and Calvinists everywhere.

If you'd like to be given ministry updates via email, please email us to join our ministry e-mail list.